snowed in...

we have been basically trapped in the house for 5 days now. While in theory this sounded fun when I daydreamed about such things while rushing ever late to work,school,etc...the reality is that it is not so fun after all. Our already smallish house seems to be closing in, and I have given up the battle against stray lego parts and other detritus littering the floor. The children have actually been great, but I am ashamed at how I have let them zombify in front of movies and video games. My overall apathy is heightened by a wretched, miserable, brain numbing cold. I have been a spectacle of snot, and self pity for days, with no indication of reprieve. At least it is amusing to the children that I am squawking like a pre-pubescent boy, and am unable to break up any fights with my voice, as it is almost gone now.

Exhausted I slide dizzy into sleep. The quiet rings in my ears as I awake later, minutes?Hours? My eyes open as I am aware of you, your light touch on my back, we fall together, cling to one another in the cool oasis of sheets. The stolen minutes, the rarity of solitude, trading desperately needed rest for a few minutes together. We shed the layers of parenthood, and become once again just you and me

Poop and strep throat

Well, it's official folks, we have another potty pooper in the house. Lu made her final leap into the world of the potty trained, and the antics that ensued were such that you would expect if she had written her first novel. That's right, there was a potty dance, singing, clapping, picture taking and a potty treat for all. Yes, we are lame.



I had a HORRIBLE, Heinous case of strep throat, yet again, and wow it sucked. I don't know why I am so susceptible to it, or why when I get it it is so intense and awful. manicpapa was so sweet and helpful, and ultimately had to keep the kiddos away for a couple of days so that I could be alone in my wretchedness. Being sick is so depressing, it's funny how all you want is to feel better, but normally when feeling good I take it totally for granted. Well, here's to penicillin and pain meds....

School days

Well, we made it through the first couple of weeks of school. Rara seems to have weathered the transition from his safe little charter school to the chaotic hormone laden atmosphere of middle school well. It is glaringly apparent to me that we have a full fledged pre-teen among us. From the long hair that he insists on having over his eyes to the hoodies that "everyone" wears and had to be bought. My heart aches for him as he enters this period of his life. I know that he will do well, and I know that manicpapa and I will support him through it, and yet... Middle school as I remember it is hell. I have no recollection of any learning at all. Just a mess of angst, politics, and worry over if my hair was kinky enough and my jeans were tight at the ankle (it was the 80's what can I say)...

That was also the time of my life that I began shoplifting daily. Although I knew it was wrong, and we had always had enough money that it was not necessitated by need, I did it and did it well. I stole anything and everything I could think of. Looking back, I see that I was vying for my unavailable mothers attention, but at the time I just liked doing it. The surge of adrenaline, the feeling of having gotten away with something, I marvel at how brave I was, and how brazen. I hope to god that somehow my children will not be as rebellious as I was, and will escape the teen years unscathed (and un prosecuted:). I guess all we can do is hope, and keep a close eye on them.

Lu is turning two

Well, It's official, we are no longer the parents of babies. In particular, our last baby is now anything but. She is talking, running, and generally just a fun amazing little human being...and she turns two on Monday.
While I am continually amazed at having created and cared for this delicious, sweet angel girl, I am overcome with a sadness too. Her babyhood has passed me by so quickly, and my awareness of this is so heightened this time around because I have learned through the other two just how precious and fleeting these moments, months and years are.
As nice as it is that these three are gaining Independence, getting so smart and unique, and letting us sleep through the night, I can't help but pause, bury my nose in a flannel receiving blanket, and tear up just a little at the passing of the "baby days". Maybe all women do this for the rest of their lives? maybe long after menopause has come I will still be able to close my eyes and call up the smell of warm enfamil, the way their bellybuttons looked with the cords still attached, and the way the little swaddled bundles felt in my arms, so tiny yet so firm and complete.

The Big Easy

As it turns out the big easy was not so easy for me...After a very late flight, motion sickness, and the flu, I am very, very ready to come home...

"tween"

Ra-ra walks into his Grandmas house, throws his backpack down, kicks off shoes in the middle of the floor. Grandma says " Please pick those up, you really need to start being a bit more responsible with your things". Ra-ra "Yeah, my Mom always complains about that too."
Grandma "What does that tell you?" Ra-ra thinks for a second, "that you and Mom complain a lot?"
(sigh)

potty training lu

Recently, Lu has begun to ask to use the potty. She also seems very aware of going, and stays dry for a long time. Now as a mom of three this is not surprising to me, except that it is happening so early. At 20 months of age most of her peers are not yet interested or able to comprehend the whole potty thing. And yet...
So, I put her in "big girl panties" this morning, and so far so good. The problem is...I don't know if I am ready. I know that sounds weird, with the cost and obvious un-savouriness of diapers, but this is my baby. This is most likely my last chance to relish the babyhood of my girl. The stacks of diapers, wipes, creams, somehow this is a really big thing for me to let go of. I guess she is now officially a big kid, but has left in her wake a weepy mama, clinging to each shred of precious baby-ness for dear life...

unfit mama

Once there was a mother who had a little daughter. Her daughter was so excited to give a a special "pudding" she had "cooked" while home with her father. Said pudding was waiting in a saucer in the fridge, murky and suspicious in color.
Gelatinous chunks floated innocently on it's surface. Said daughter ran with glee to the fridge to retrieve "pudding" upon her mothers weary arrival. She delightfully scooped a generous spoonful for her mama who at opened her mouth like a trooper. Had the mother had a stronger stomach, or maybe had she had a less rotten day, all would have been well. But as it was, she actually flinched, shivered and slightly gagged with revulsion ( though she did swallow the bite).The little daughters face crumpled and she began to cry. The mother, who also wanted to cry, began apologizing and explaining that the pudding was in fact delicious...and "wow, was that a berry koolaid flavor in there too? How...surprising!" The father, (clearly a much better parent, and also in possession of a much stronger stomach) took the saucer from the mother and ate the pudding. All of it. With feigned delight.

Sassy-girl

You were unexpected to say the least...from the time that you arrived with your bright red hair and dark eyes...nothing like our family, but much like your mother when it comes to your personality. We are so much alike...when I watch you get your heart broken mine breaks too. When you are angry it gets the better of you-flying limbs and long red hair, trying so hard to hurt me with the words that you know, wanting to hurt me because you feel I am not just...am not being fair to you. When you are done you feel so bad-you want to take back those words-want to be mine, attached to my body.

What you don't know now but will hopefully know one day- is that your words don't hurt me, I know that you don't mean what you say, I know what it is like to be angry, and when you hit and yell and cry I can see the passion in you, the sense of justice that carry's you so fiercely, the fire inside of you. You will find your way...I know that things in your early life hurt you...and I am deeply sorry. I know that sometimes you still remember those hurts and losses and while I wish I could take them away from you, I also know that they make you who you are. And I love who you are. I love your creativity, the way you sing, the way you laugh, the way you get so excited to "cook" creations, the way you look forward to things with such anticipation...and I look forward to seeing you grow, and change, and become a woman and a mother. I hope we will always be close. I hope you will always share things with me, laugh with me, and above all know that I would not change anything, not one single thing about you...

This weekend was nice, finally I felt like I got in some good quality time with the kiddos, and the often rampant discord in the house seemed to subside. I think all the fighting lately is fueled by their anxiety over school ending, although the summer is fun, my little anxious offspring have never weathered transitions well. Sometimes I think that g and I being so scheduled(neurotic) is a bit of a disservice to them as they don't do great with change.



It was Lu's first time at the fountain in Wilsonville, and she loved it so much. As trivial as it may seem, none of the things experienced or accomplished in life can compare to seeing your child so happy, proud to have discovered something new, fun, a place where they can get wet! IN their clothes! Lu is a bit on the small side, a pixie of sorts, and often fearful. Watching her tiny person in the middle of a huge fountain shrieking with delight, shivering and telling all the other children near her "No, Nine!" well, let's just say it made her mama tear up.

Please understand that this blissful weekend was in fact very well deserved for me, VERY well deserved, because Friday was HELLISH. It was one of those days from start to finish that left me disgusted, exhausted, and too miserable to even contemplate drinking to escape. It began with a horrible period, resulting in needing to run to the loo about every 30 minutes or so. Seemingly this would not be too big of a problem, except that it was also the day that EVERYTHING went wrong...and I had not one second to think, breath, go to the bathroom, or even open a bottle of Drano to chug to bring on a merciful and hopefully speedy death ...
Saturday I started taking my Wellbutrin again :)

Mon petite bebe cherie, je vous macque ainsi

5-24-2008

We are off to the kids first Gymnastics class...yay. Having it loved it so much myself growing up, I hope they do too. Spring concerts were yesterday as well as dentist apts. and the St. A's tour...hopefully now we can just kick back and enjoy the weekend. Lu is putting together 2-3 words sometimes now! ex: Me got night-night, no mama!(her fav) Hi Daddy, Hi Ra-ra...awwww

pms!

And the bitch of the year is...that's right, me. I could chew nails today, and am having a hard time being nice. Anybody looking for an exasperated husband and three unfairly treated children I might know some looking for a new Mom.

Rants

dear parent with a behavior challenged child,


when you come to me asking why your child is so badly behaved, it is so hard for me to hold my tongue, to not tell you exactly why. The limitations of my job restrict me from doing so.





Your child is tired. He is here for twelve hours a day. You are often late to pick him up. he notices. He know he is the last one here every night. What does that tell him? When you arrive you are always on your phone. You don't hang up to talk to him and find out about his day. He is hungry. Snack was hours ago, it is past dinner time. All he talks about is spider man, he watches this attentively at home over and over. This is not a movie for a three year old boy, he can not distinguish between violence on TV and acting it out himself yet. Those images are in his head all the time. That is why he hit the other kids, pulls hair, pushes, has no control of his body.

He is often sleepy and not washed when you bring him back at 6:30 in the morning. He spends more time here than at his home. You go to the gym, on exotic vacations (alone) and have nice clothing. Why doesn't he? He is so sweet, he still loves you with no recriminations, no resentments...but how long will he? Time passes so quickly, none of us are perfect parents, maybe the difference is that many of us wake up each day trying to be. Many of us cry about the time missed from our babies lives, forgo the gym for the park, etc... I am trying to so hard not to judge you, to advocate for your children, and hopefully help you in the process, but you make it hard! Please wake up, they need you...

I am no longer a Teacher, I am now the manager of a large Pre-school, I oversee the teachers, and about 160 kiddos. I guess maybe I am burnt out, I am so frustrated with the bad parents, the parents that forget to pick up their child, that don't pay their bill, that say horrible things to and about their kiddos. However, most of the parents ARE loving, concerned and trying really hard. The bad ones are the ones that break your heart though, and make you wish there were some sort of screening process to procreate...

thoughts

This week has been crazzzzy.... lot's of issues with my staff, everyone is quite needy, maybe the hot weather makes them all a bit daft?
g and I had a great time at the beach, as always it was strange for us not to have the kids. We talked about them A LOT. It is actually nice to have a chance to talk to him, and just well...be. Most of our normal interactions are task oriented...Did you change the baby, please pick up soy milk tonight, did you sign, buy, call, arrange, talk to, etc... I think sometimes we forget that we are actually people not just parents (cliche, I know, but true nonetheless.)
The kids were fine without us (of course) my wonderful and sometimes immature sister allowed (taught) them to make prank phone calls...and let them eat all the pizza they could hold, what could be more fun than that?

bereft

Lu was up ALL night. I just don't get it. She went to sleep easily, and an hour later was up screaming, and kept it up the whole night. I felt myself becoming psycho-sleep deprived mama, begging her, threatening her, etc...luckily g is much more patient than I. Today we are all zombies, I have no idea what we will do tonight if she keeps it up. Benadryl? Whiskey? Orphanage? just kidding, kind of...

wtf?

Okay, why is it so hot? The sunshine is great, but this is Oregon...it is not supposed to be this hot in May. Thank god for A/C. My little sunburnt hikers kicked back with lemonade and sandwiches last night, we had some friends over who have a non-cooled house, it was 90 IN their house-Yikes. g and I are heading off to Cannon Beach, the kiddos are going to grandmas, this is g's belated B-day gift it should be nice, but I really don't like leaving the kids.

Sleep deprivation

We have been very lucky with Lu-Lu, she has been a great sleeper pretty much from the beginning. part of that was due to the hell we went through getting her sister to sleep in her own bed. We were very open to letting Sassy sleep with us, but the charming snugly baby quickly became a stubborn large child who took up a lot of room and everyone was getting less than quality rest. When it came time to move her into her own bed (about five years of age) G and I were unprepared for the tirade that was unleashed on us. She would kick, scream, sob, and continue to run out of her room. She tried begging, guilt trips, and usually would eventually wear us down. We did finally work through it though, so needless to say we were a lot firmer with #3 about putting her in her crib to sleep. This went well until recently, she has had a few rough nights, mostly since she had ear tubes put in. We for the most part subscribe to the theory of Attachment Parenting. We both feel that nighttime parenting, bonding, etc...are important, and yet...we are sooooo tired. bottom line, with a baby in the bed we do not sleep well. G is quite concerned about squashing her(although I think his real concern might be that he will never have sex with his wife again, but he is too smart to admit that), and I just simply cannot fully relax with her there. however, if she is really having separation anxiety, and needs her mum and daddy neither of us is able or willing to let her cry for more than just a few minutes. So, in the end I guess we are just taking it one day at a time...

Ra-Ra started his sex-ed classes in school this week. They actually call it "human-developement" but the emphasis is on how babies are made. This has been the topic of conversation in our house this week, and I hate to admit it, but it is hard for me. I have always fancied myself to be a 'cool' mom, young, hip not easily offended, and yet my initial gut reaction in my head was EWWWWWW! This is my precious baby whose little penis I lovingly put gauze and vaseline on after his circumsision when he was born. How could he be old enough to need to know these things, and worse, want to know them? Luckily, I do have enough self awareness (barely) to squelch that reaction and respond with an attempt at nonchalance and encouragement.