"tween"

Ra-ra walks into his Grandmas house, throws his backpack down, kicks off shoes in the middle of the floor. Grandma says " Please pick those up, you really need to start being a bit more responsible with your things". Ra-ra "Yeah, my Mom always complains about that too."
Grandma "What does that tell you?" Ra-ra thinks for a second, "that you and Mom complain a lot?"
(sigh)

potty training lu

Recently, Lu has begun to ask to use the potty. She also seems very aware of going, and stays dry for a long time. Now as a mom of three this is not surprising to me, except that it is happening so early. At 20 months of age most of her peers are not yet interested or able to comprehend the whole potty thing. And yet...
So, I put her in "big girl panties" this morning, and so far so good. The problem is...I don't know if I am ready. I know that sounds weird, with the cost and obvious un-savouriness of diapers, but this is my baby. This is most likely my last chance to relish the babyhood of my girl. The stacks of diapers, wipes, creams, somehow this is a really big thing for me to let go of. I guess she is now officially a big kid, but has left in her wake a weepy mama, clinging to each shred of precious baby-ness for dear life...

unfit mama

Once there was a mother who had a little daughter. Her daughter was so excited to give a a special "pudding" she had "cooked" while home with her father. Said pudding was waiting in a saucer in the fridge, murky and suspicious in color.
Gelatinous chunks floated innocently on it's surface. Said daughter ran with glee to the fridge to retrieve "pudding" upon her mothers weary arrival. She delightfully scooped a generous spoonful for her mama who at opened her mouth like a trooper. Had the mother had a stronger stomach, or maybe had she had a less rotten day, all would have been well. But as it was, she actually flinched, shivered and slightly gagged with revulsion ( though she did swallow the bite).The little daughters face crumpled and she began to cry. The mother, who also wanted to cry, began apologizing and explaining that the pudding was in fact delicious...and "wow, was that a berry koolaid flavor in there too? How...surprising!" The father, (clearly a much better parent, and also in possession of a much stronger stomach) took the saucer from the mother and ate the pudding. All of it. With feigned delight.

Sassy-girl

You were unexpected to say the least...from the time that you arrived with your bright red hair and dark eyes...nothing like our family, but much like your mother when it comes to your personality. We are so much alike...when I watch you get your heart broken mine breaks too. When you are angry it gets the better of you-flying limbs and long red hair, trying so hard to hurt me with the words that you know, wanting to hurt me because you feel I am not just...am not being fair to you. When you are done you feel so bad-you want to take back those words-want to be mine, attached to my body.

What you don't know now but will hopefully know one day- is that your words don't hurt me, I know that you don't mean what you say, I know what it is like to be angry, and when you hit and yell and cry I can see the passion in you, the sense of justice that carry's you so fiercely, the fire inside of you. You will find your way...I know that things in your early life hurt you...and I am deeply sorry. I know that sometimes you still remember those hurts and losses and while I wish I could take them away from you, I also know that they make you who you are. And I love who you are. I love your creativity, the way you sing, the way you laugh, the way you get so excited to "cook" creations, the way you look forward to things with such anticipation...and I look forward to seeing you grow, and change, and become a woman and a mother. I hope we will always be close. I hope you will always share things with me, laugh with me, and above all know that I would not change anything, not one single thing about you...

This weekend was nice, finally I felt like I got in some good quality time with the kiddos, and the often rampant discord in the house seemed to subside. I think all the fighting lately is fueled by their anxiety over school ending, although the summer is fun, my little anxious offspring have never weathered transitions well. Sometimes I think that g and I being so scheduled(neurotic) is a bit of a disservice to them as they don't do great with change.



It was Lu's first time at the fountain in Wilsonville, and she loved it so much. As trivial as it may seem, none of the things experienced or accomplished in life can compare to seeing your child so happy, proud to have discovered something new, fun, a place where they can get wet! IN their clothes! Lu is a bit on the small side, a pixie of sorts, and often fearful. Watching her tiny person in the middle of a huge fountain shrieking with delight, shivering and telling all the other children near her "No, Nine!" well, let's just say it made her mama tear up.

Please understand that this blissful weekend was in fact very well deserved for me, VERY well deserved, because Friday was HELLISH. It was one of those days from start to finish that left me disgusted, exhausted, and too miserable to even contemplate drinking to escape. It began with a horrible period, resulting in needing to run to the loo about every 30 minutes or so. Seemingly this would not be too big of a problem, except that it was also the day that EVERYTHING went wrong...and I had not one second to think, breath, go to the bathroom, or even open a bottle of Drano to chug to bring on a merciful and hopefully speedy death ...
Saturday I started taking my Wellbutrin again :)